They're Not Giving You a Hard Time. They're Having One.
Shoe won't go on. Again.
You're already five minutes late.
The shoe hits the wall.
Then the words come. "I hate this. I hate you."
And something in your chest goes tight, because it sounds personal. It sounds like defiance. It sounds like disrespect aimed right at you.
Here's the turn: it's not aimed at you. It's spilling out of them.
A meltdown over a shoe is rarely about the shoe. It's a nervous system that hit its limit and had nowhere else to go. Your kid isn't scheming to make your morning harder. They don't have the wiring yet to pause, name the feeling, and ask for help calmly. So it comes out sideways: shoes, slammed doors, sharp words.
What if the behavior you're reacting to is actually the only language they have left for "I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do with it"?
Giving you a hard time might look like:
- Deliberate, calculated, trying to get a reaction out of you
- Something to shut down fast so it stops
- A sign you need to be stricter, firmer, less soft
Having a hard time might look like:
- A body that's flooded and can't find words yet
- A need buried under the noise: hunger, tiredness, too much transition, too little control
- A moment asking for steadiness, not a lesson
Why It Works
When a child's stress response takes over, the thinking part of their brain goes mostly offline. Logic and consequences can't land there, calm can. When you meet the moment with steadiness instead of a matching intensity, you become the regulation their body is missing, and that's what helps them come back down.
Through the Coach Lens
- What was happening right before this moment? Transition, hunger, overstimulation?
- Am I reacting to the behavior, or to what it's bringing up in me?
- What does this kid need from me right now: a fix, a boundary, or just my presence?
Next time the shoe hits the wall, try this instead of jumping to the fix: "You're having a hard time. I'm right here." Low voice. No lecture yet. Just you, staying bigger and calmer than the storm.
You don't have to get it perfect in the moment. You just have to remember whose storm it actually is.
If this cycle feels familiar most days, not just some, a coaching conversation can help you find where to step in differently. Book a free call with Courtney.